Local Custom Lesson 1 - Mobil Potong Jalan

Por: TFEEEN | |

In the first of our series on local customs, we introduce to you the uniqueness of Mobil Potong Jalan, or "Automobile Cut & Run". This custom is practiced 24/7, 365 days year round. It demonstrates great intimacy and familiarity between fellow drivers in roadship brotherhood.

Performing this custom is very simple but must be practiced till it becomes second nature to you, fluid, graceful and full of courtesy.

First, look for a really crowded street or road, the more jammed it is, the better. In fact, in this city, it is really not hard to find. Just start driving out of your carpark exit or driveway and it will come looking for you almost immediately.

For those extreme adventurers looking for impossible jams that take a whole working day to clear, just look for the "expressways". You just can't miss finding the entrance to the toll because they have really long queues of vehicles waiting to pay for the privilege to be stuck in the worst jams in the whole city. Motorcyclists are blessed 'cos they're banned from these so they don't know what they're missing.

Next, become aware that you have a craving need or urgent desire to perform this custom. Once you acknowledge it, start signalling left-right-both (or don't signal, who cares?! Certainly not the fellow drivers nor the police. In fact signal to raise the difficulty factor 'cos the driver behind you will speed up to cut off your turn) and wait for the inevitable question from your spouse, "Why are you signalling when we're not moving an inch at all?"

Then select the excuse to explain to your spouse (who usually pretends to navigate but really envy your drivership 'cos he/she hungers to perform this custom too). E.g. "Well dear (don't forget a dash of condescension to add spice to this term of endearment), I saw a break in traffic for the next lane to move-faster / reach-the-left-right-U-turn / enter-exit-expressway / grab-an-ice-cream-from-road-vendors / give-alms-to-these-unwashed-4-5-yr-olds. So I took it; you'd done the same yourself"

After the ringing in the ears and starbusts in your eyes fade from the smack upside to the back of your head, inch boldly to the desired lane marking in an "angle of attack" of 30 degrees first. By now most cars behind you in that lane would have started to close up the gaps between each other as a sign of acknowledging your intent to cut into them.

Next, return your own acknowledgement to this sympathetic response and contine to inch forward courageously, not turning to the left nor to the right of your destined path. By this time, the fellow drivers nearest to you will start honking their encouragement. The closer you get to them, the louder and more insistent they'll honk. What great brotherly support and camaraderie! I love this city!

When you actually manage to get your front bumper before one of these fellow drivers so that he can't swing by you without knocking into you, do a fuller turn to change your "angle of attack" to 45 degrees. The driver you had cut off will congratulate you with a single loud and long blast of the horn, followed by continuous short bursts and ending with a final long blaring exclamation. All these are followed by a bulging red-eyed stare to show how excited he is for you. For the more passionate ones, frantic mouth and finger gesticulations will follow.

Finally straighten your car slowly when the one in front starts to inch ahead. Do note that sometimes you get extra encouragement from the cars in the previous lane using the same honking and blaring cheer. Express your thanks by straightening up even slower.

Now, that's the easy part. If you had paid full attention and given some imagination to the procedures above, you will naturally realise by now that clumsy moves performing this custom will not just irritate, but worse, infuriate your fellow road brother.

This will result in insults to your Nth Gen, curses to your Nth ancestor, definite body damage to your car, maybe body damage to yourself, and depending on the thickness of your wallet (we're talking bank notes here, not shopping receipts), on whose side the law will stand on should your friendly neighbourhood highway patrol cruise by to witness the entertainment that livens their otherwise drab career prospects.

So when're you coming here to visit us so you may try this fascinating custom yourself?

Glory & praise to our L. G. Almighty!

T.
T.F.E.E.E.N
Email. tfeeen@gmail.com
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